Surviving Betrayal: How to Win When Life Turns Against You

Betrayal is one of the most painful and potentially devastating experiences that one can have. Almost everyone will face it at some point in their life. Whether in friendships, family relationships, or ministry, those who are actively trying to do good in this world are often targets for betrayal. What is especially difficult about betrayal is the way it usually catches us off guard, leaving us wounded and wondering not only what happened and why, but also how to move forward.

The Bible is not silent about betrayal. In fact, there are many stories of betrayal, each with profound lessons on how to survive and even thrive after being wronged. It is not easy but as we consider these biblical examples and thoughts allow God to speak to your heart. There is help and healing!

Why Do People Betray? Understanding the Motivations of Backstabbers

• Greed - Judas betrayed Jesus for financial gain, while Daniel’s enemies sought to secure their own power. Judas' betrayal of Jesus was a personal wound to the Savior. Interestingly, Jesus, knowing all along that Judas would betray Him, didn’t fight back against it. Instead, He allowed the betrayal to unfold, knowing it was part of God’s plan.

Judas didn't just betray Jesus only, but in many ways, the entire fellowship of disciples experienced the betrayal of Judas. Not only that but the disciples even got sucked into the betrayal vortex that Judas created, as they all forsook Jesus in His moment of greatest need (Mark 14:50). This is a common scenario for followers. Sometimes betrayal by one carries others along! Despite all of this, Jesus’ triumph on the cross stands as the ultimate example of how to overcome betrayal. His victory came not in spite of His betrayal and suffering but through it.

Gehazi (2 Kings 4:27-27) betrayed Elisha’s trust by secretly taking money from Naaman after Elisha had healed him. Though Elisha had rejected Naaman’s offer, Gehazi’s greed led him to lie and steal. This story teaches us that greed and selfish desires often drive betrayal.

• Jealousy/Resentment/Rivalry - Joseph’s brothers betrayed him out of jealousy/resentment, selling him into slavery. Yet, through that betrayal, God orchestrated a series of events that led to Joseph's rise to power, saving not only Egypt but also the very brothers who betrayed him (Genesis 50:20). What was meant for harm, God used for good. These examples remind us that betrayal, though painful, can be a part of God's greater plan to shape us into who we are meant to be. My mother used to say, “Be careful with people, they can be a jealous lot.” Jealousy can cause people to undermine others simply because they cannot bear to see them succeed.

Daniel was envied by his fellow officials because of his integrity and wisdom. They framed him for breaking a royal decree regarding prayer. His punishment? Being thrown into a den of lions. But God delivered Daniel, and his enemies were the ones who faced judgment. The story reminds us that those who try to undermine us often do so out of jealousy or fear.

Even Moses, the great leader of Israel, was betrayed by his own brother and sister. Aaron and Miriam criticized Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman, questioning his leadership and authority. This jealousy led to God striking Miriam with leprosy. Despite their actions, Moses responded with compassion, praying for her healing. His story teaches that sometimes betrayal comes from the people closest to us, even family.

• Personal Vendettas - Sometimes, as in the case of Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39), betrayal occurs when someone doesn't get their way, and they determine to "hurt" someone because of it. Joseph was a man of integrity, yet Potiphar’s wife falsely accused him of attempted assault when he refused her advances. His reputation was damaged, and he was cast into prison. But God used this betrayal to elevate Joseph to a position of power.

  
  

Joab’s betrayal of Abner, who had been a commander in Saul’s army, is another example of how personal grudges can lead to betrayal. Joab, seeking revenge for his brother’s death at Abner’s hands, murdered Abner under the guise of peace. His actions weakened King David’s leadership and created division.

• Ambition: Gehazi, Elisha’s servant, betrayed his master by secretly taking gifts from Naaman, prioritizing material wealth over loyalty (2 Kings 5:20-27). This appears to be the cause of betrayal in Demas' experience. 2 Timothy 4:10.

  
  

• Fear, Ignorance, and Insecurity - These emotions are common underlying causes of betrayal, often shaping behavior in ways that seem incomprehensible to the person being betrayed. Fear can make someone act defensively or try to preserve their own position, sometimes by sacrificing others. Insecurity might lead someone to undermine another to protect their fragile sense of self-worth. Ignorance, whether from a lack of understanding of the situation or simply not recognizing the harm they are causing, can also play a significant role. The Bible gives examples of people whose actions might be considered betrayals, but they were driven by fear and insecurity rather than malice. For instance:

  
  

  • Peter’s Denial of Jesus (Luke 22:54-62): Peter’s betrayal of Jesus was not born out of hatred or malice, but out of fear for his own life. He was insecure in the face of danger and chose to deny Christ in the moment of trial, even though he had earlier sworn allegiance to Jesus.

    
    

  • Aaron and the Golden Calf (Exodus 32): Aaron’s fear of the people's rebellion led him to make a decision that would ultimately betray Moses’ leadership and God’s commandments. Aaron’s actions were likely more motivated by fear and insecurity than a deliberate desire to harm or betray Moses.

    
    

  • Joseph's Brothers (Genesis 37): Again, Joseph’s brothers betrayed him out of jealousy, but also likely out of fear of their father’s favoritism. Their insecurity about their standing in the family and fear of being overlooked or unloved led them to take drastic, harmful actions.

  
  

In these cases, the betrayers were not necessarily seeking to harm, but they acted out of personal vulnerabilities. Their betrayals were rooted in human weaknesses—fear of rejection, fear of losing status, or ignorance about the full consequences of their actions.

While betrayal driven by fear and insecurity is still harmful, understanding these emotions can help those who have been betrayed to respond with empathy. Recognizing that betrayal isn’t always born from malice can help us navigate the complex emotions of betrayal and consider how to respond in a way that leads to healing rather than further harm. This approach also opens the door for potential reconciliation, as it encourages us to look beyond the action and seek an understanding of the motivation behind it.

Being aware of the potential motivations of backstabbers can help us set healthy boundaries while still living with an open heart.

Do Some People Attract Betrayal, and Why?

While no one is immune to betrayal, certain traits can make someone more vulnerable to it. People who are kind-hearted, gentle-natured, trustworthy, open, and giving often become targets for backstabbers. These individuals, driven by their sincerity and trust in others (and sometimes naivety), sometimes fail to see the hidden/ulterior motivations in others’ actions. People with pure motives can become targets simply because of their integrity and God-given success in some area. Just as Jesus was betrayed by Judas, who was in His inner circle, the most trusted individuals may be the ones who suffer the most.

Even though this is a painful truth to hear, there is a lesson we must learn: The more you try to do for God and the more you stand in the light of His truth, the more likely you are to face opposition. This does not mean that one should stop caring and living all of those good qualities, but it does mean that one must be more circumspect so that they do not fall into relational traps that could lead to backstabbing.

How to Avoid Being a Target for Betrayal

While we cannot fully protect ourselves from betrayal, there are practical ways to minimize our risk. First, we should stay vigilant and aware of people's motives. Trust is essential in life and ministry, but it must be built over time, guarded, and not given indiscriminately, knowing that there are some unwise and unscrupulous people out there. Secondly, learn to establish healthy boundaries. It’s important to show kindness but also to recognize when someone’s actions or words don’t align with their claims. Although one never wants to become cynical, identifying potential characteristics of Backstabbers can help one anticipate and even head off trouble.

One must exercise discernment in relationships. Be careful who you trust. There are different levels of relationships and not everyone should be privy to "everything." Not everyone who seems friendly has pure motives. Proverbs 27:6 warns, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

Be alert for:

• Deceptive speech: Judas greeted Jesus with a kiss while betraying Him (Luke 22:47-48).

  
  

• Hidden agendas: Daniel’s accusers appeared to serve the king’s interests but were envious.

  
  

• Manipulative behavior: Potiphar’s wife used false accusations to harm Joseph. Joseph did not submit to her threats. He suffered for it, but maintained his integrity through it all.

  
  

• Inconsistent behavior - For example, in the life of Saul in his interactions with David, Saul was very inconsistent, loving him one day and hating him the next. Drawing close to him one day and running him off the next..

  
  

• Excessive flattery or sudden shifts in demeanor - Absalom, David’s son, is a clear example of excessive flattery and a pattern of gossip and envy. Absalom’s behavior toward his father was manipulative; he would stand at the gate, listening to the people's complaints and then tell them that they were not being treated fairly by King David. He flattered the people by promising them better justice and gradually turned them against David (2 Samuel 15:1-6). His flattery was meant to win the hearts of the people, but it ultimately led to a rebellion against his father, who had once shown him great favor but had also mistreated him (II Samuel 14). Absalom's desire for power, his feeling of hurt, and envy of his father's position fueled his betrayal.

  
  

• Patterns of envy, or greed - Joseph’s brothers betrayed him due to envy and greed. Their jealousy of Joseph’s favored status with their father led them to plot his death (Genesis 37:18-28). Initially, they threw Joseph into a pit, but later sold him to a caravan of Ishmaelites (Genesis 37:28). Their actions reveal both envy and greed as their motivations, and their consistent gossip about Joseph further exacerbated their resentment (Genesis 37:4). The brothers’ collective envy and greed drove their betrayal, though later in the story, they experience a change of heart when they face the consequences of their actions (Genesis 42:21-22).

In addition to discernment issued, here are some practical steps one can take to avoid becoming an easy target:

• Maintain Humility: Arrogance can attract jealousy. By walking humbly, we avoid unnecessarily provoking envy or competition. As Micah 6:8 says, “What doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?”

• Be Wise in Sharing Your Plans: Joseph’s youthful boasting about his dreams provoked his brothers’ jealousy, leading to betrayal (Genesis 37:5-11). Sharing too much with the wrong people can make you a target. Proverbs 13:3 advises, “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.”

• Lead with Integrity: A consistent life of integrity can disarm potential betrayers. While this doesn’t guarantee protection, it strengthens your testimony and makes it harder for accusations to stick.

The Heart of Survival: Victory Through Christ, After Betrayal

When we are betrayed, it’s crucial to remember that we are not alone in our suffering. In fact, we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses—biblical heroes, church history figures, and even those in our own lives who have endured betrayal and come out victorious.

John Hus, a Czech theologian and reformer in the 15th century, faced one of history’s most infamous betrayals. Known for his criticisms of church corruption, Hus was invited to the Council of Constance under the promise of safe conduct. However, upon arrival, he was arrested, tried for heresy, and burned at the stake in 1415. Despite this betrayal, Hus’ faith and teachings inspired the Protestant Reformation, proving that God can use even the worst treachery for His glory. His story serves as a reminder that betrayal cannot ultimately thwart God’s plans.

The key is not to let betrayal define us but to allow it to refine us.

Betrayal, while painful, doesn’t have to be the end. Here are a few thoughts for how to overcome the hurt of betrayal:

1. Anchor Yourself in God’s Plan: Romans 8:28 assures us that God works all things together for good. Trust that your pain has a purpose.

2. Forgive and Release: Jesus prayed for His betrayers (Father, forgive them...), showing the power of forgiveness to free your heart.

3. Learn and Grow: Joseph turned his betrayal into an opportunity for leadership and redemption. Use your experience to develop wisdom, greater leadership skills, and resilience.

4. Refocus on Your Mission: Betrayal can be a distraction. Keep your eyes on God’s purpose, as Daniel did even in the lions’ den.

As Christians, we have the ultimate hope in Christ. Though we may face betrayal, God’s Word teaches us how to rise above it. As Charles Spurgeon is reported to have wisely noted, "We are too prone to engrave our trials in marble and write our blessings in sand." We often let the scars of betrayal stay etched in our hearts, but we must learn to write our blessings in stone—remembering that God is always working, even through our trials. Our trials may have shaped us, but they do not define us. The God who redeemed Joseph from the pit and Jesus from the grave is the same God who will bring you through your betrayal stronger, wiser, and victorious.

And finally, keep your identity grounded in Christ, not in the approval of others. When we depend on God for our sense of worth, we are less likely to fall prey to the destructive effects of betrayal.