Shepherds, Beware the Wolves in the Church: Discernment & Response Guide For Difficult/Problematic Members

A practical guide to help pastors discern the state of the flock

“Take heed…to all the flock” (Acts 20:28)

Understanding the Sheepfold: Pastoral Care Basics

Why This Guide Is Needed and How to Use It

Churches today face a wider range of challenges than ever. We are called upon to care for all the flock. And it is defintely not "one size fits all." The degree to which a pastor can effectively engage interpersonal relationships is often the degree to which he can successfully pastor his church and move forward. Some men are better at this than others, but we can all learn.

Some issues within a church arise from simple immaturity or wounds, others from pride, rebellion, or even predatory behavior. Pastors are called to shepherd faithfully, protect the flock, and correct sin, but without discernment, even well-intentioned leaders can enable harm or wear themselves out in the process that is pastoring.

As a resource for pastors (and others), I offer this analysis of behaviors to help in understanding and approaching people wisely. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will use this rubric to provide a biblically grounded framework for:

• Identifying categories of church members and their behaviors.

• Recognizing subtypes within each category for a more nuanced response.

• Protecting the flock from destructive influences, including narcissists and sociopaths.

• Guiding shepherds in teaching, correction, discipline, and restoration.

Guiding Principles

• This article assumes the shepherd (pastor/leader) is acting in good faith and the difficult personalities are in the flock. If the shepherd himself is a wolf, mob boss, bully, narcissist, or otherwise abusive, the dynamics are very different — both spiritually and practically. There will be another article dealing with that dynamic

• Don’t diagnose; discern patterns. The following are superficial descriptions that start a conversation. This is a shepherd’s tool, not a clinical manual.

• Look for repetition across settings (home, church, online), teachability, and fruit over time (Matt. 7:20).

• Discern motives carefully: immaturity, woundedness, rebellion, or predation.

• Match pastoral response to category and subcategory.

• Test repentance by fruit and accountability, not words alone (Matt. 7:16; 2 Cor. 7:10–11).

• Use plural leadership and outside counsel for high-risk situations (Prov. 11:14; 1 Tim. 5:19–21).

When harm is present, protect first; then discipline or disciple (Acts 20:29-30; 1 Cor. 5; Rom. 13:1–4).

Scripture Anchors

• Shepherding, Discernment, & Patience: 2 Tim. 2:24–25; Rom. 14

• Church Discipline: Matt. 18:15–17; 1 Cor. 5; 2 Cor. 2

• Elder Qualifications: 1 Tim. 3; Titus 1

• Wolf Warnings: Acts 20:28–30; 2 Pet. 2; Jude

• Restoration Fruit: 2 Cor. 7:10–11

I want this to be a simple and usable guide. First, a description of characters with some basic pastoral approaches:

A. The Irritating but (Relatively) Harmless (“Sandpaper Saints”)

Core issue: Immaturity in love/awareness; not malice.

Common Divisions

1. The Enthusiastic Oversharer – long stories, little filter.

2. The Hobbyhorse – fixated on one nonessential or minor topic.

3. The Awkward Literalist – misses social cues, corrects pedantically.

4. The Time-Hijacker – cornering leaders before/after services (or at home).

Diagnostic Cues

• Means well; shows some empathy when prompted.

• Can apologize (even if clumsy).

Pastoral Moves

• Gentle limits; redirect (“Let’s pick this up Tuesday,” 2 Tim. 2:24–25).

• Give structured service channels.

• Coach on listening.

Repentance Markers

• Shorter contributions;

• asks others questions;

• accepts redirect without sulking.

Escalation Triggers

If attention-seeking begins to drown out others persistently → Consider formal coaching and boundaries.

B. The Spiritually Immature (“Babes in Christ”)

Core issue: Under-discipled; unstable.

Common Divisions

1. New Convert – zeal without knowledge.

2. Long-Time Attender, Little Growth – spiritually stalled/stunted.

3. Doctrinally Drifting – YouTube-tossed (Eph. 4:14).

4. Fragile Conscience – scruples, fear-driven choices (Rom. 14).

Cues

• Teachable when approached personally; inconsistency is common.

Pastoral Moves

• Milk before meat (1 Cor. 3:1–2).

• Set a simple growth plan (gather–grow–serve).

• Model maturity

• Pair with stable mentors.

Repentance Markers

• Regular rhythms (Word, prayer, body [church] life);

• less offense-taking;

• more service.

Escalation

• If immaturity spills into division, treat behaviors under “Contentious.”

C. The Emotionally Needy (“Wounded Sheep”)

Core issue: Pain/trauma producing dependence or reactivity.

Common Divisions

1. Crisis-Cycler – frequent emergencies; little follow-through.

2. Approval-Dependent – panics without constant reassurance.

3. Anxious/Depressed Struggler – sincere but overwhelmed.

4. Grief-Stuck – losses dominate the narrative.

Cues

• Sincere faith is often present; empathy exists, but is eclipsed by pain.

Pastoral Moves

• Bear burdens (Gal. 6:2) and set boundaries.

• Broaden their support circle;

• Mentor pairing - This must be done wisely and with time-structured parameters (initially).

• Encourage professional counseling when appropriate.

• Teach lament, assurance, and ordinary means of grace.

Repentance/Health Markers

• Uses broader supports;

• fewer pastor-only emergencies;

• growing self-control.

Escalation

• If manipulation or boundary-breaking harms others, address as “Contentious.”

D. The Divisive (“Contentious”)

Core issue: Control/ego expressed through conflict.

Common Divisions

1. The Gossip & Whisperer – leaks, triangulation (Prov. 16:28). Triangulation refers to a manipulative tactic where one person draws a third party into a conflict between two people, rather than addressing the issue directly.

   For example:

   • Instead of speaking to the pastor about a concern, a gossip might tell another church member, framing the issue in a way that pulls that person into the tension.

   • It creates a “triangle” of relationships — Person A and Person B have a conflict, but Person A involves Person C to influence or pressure Person B.

   This makes resolution harder because the conflict spreads sideways instead of being dealt with honestly and biblically (cf. Matthew 18:15). That’s why it fits under “The Gossip & Whisperer” — leaking information and using triangulation keeps strife alive, divides people, and undermines direct reconciliation.

2. The Keyboard Warrior – online strife, public shaming.

3. The Agenda-Pusher – faction building; “team me.”

4. The Chronic Critic – never satisfied; corrodes joy.

Cues

• Patterned blame-shifting; little ownership; private vs public personas differ.

Pastoral Moves

• Titus 3:10–11 cadence: warn once, twice, then separate if unrepentant. A heretic in this passage refers to one who creates and fosters factions.

• Require direct, Matthew 18 processes; ban triangulation.

• Remove microphones (classes, platforms) while in discipline.

Repentance Markers

• Stops gossip;

• Seeks parties directly;

• Ends Triangulation

• Public repair of public harm.

Escalation

• If damage spreads or abuse emerges, treat as Wolves.

E. The Rebellious (“Goats”)

Core issue: Unconverted or hard-hearted (a goat characteristic) within the fellowship.

Common Divisions

1. Cultural Christian – attends, unregenerate affections.

2. Consumer Christian – uses church for benefits, resists lordship.

3. Performance Legalist – pride cloaked as holiness; judges brethren.

4. Open Rebel – immoral, scoffing (Jude).

Cues

• Gospel indifference; repentance is performative or absent.

Pastoral Moves

• Clear gospel; call to repentance (Acts 17:30).

• Guard membership;

• Leadership gatekeeping (1 Cor. 5; 2 Cor. 2 for restoration).

• Church Discipline if persistent

Repentance Markers

• Godly sorrow → tangible turning (2 Cor. 7:10–11).

• New Affection aligned with Christ

Escalation

• Persistent rebellion that stumbles others → formal church discipline.

F. The Predatory (Wolves in the church) -

A "wolf" in the Bible is a person who, under the guise of belonging among God’s people, works to exploit, devour, scatter, or destroy the flock for selfish ends. Wolves in the church are not simply difficult or immature believers; they are dangerous pretenders or predators who seek to use the flock instead of serve it.

Core issue: Exploitation. Harm > Hurt Feelings. the shoherd my always protect first (Acts 20:29–30).

Not every difficult person is a wolf; every wolf is dangerous.

Different typs of Wolves:

1) Narcissistic Abuser

• Profile: Grandiose, admiration-hungry, gaslights, forms fan clubs.

• Red Flags: “You need me,” conditional apologies, rages at correction.

• Actions: Bar from leadership (1 Tim. 3:6), formal accountability; remove if unrepentant.

2) Antisocial Exploiter (Sociopath/ASPD - Antisocial personality disorder)

• Profile: Charismatic, I Can "do it all" better than others, BUT Deceitful, remorseless, instrumentalizes people; rule-breaking.

• Red Flags: Chronic lying, shallow charm, history of scams/violence.

• Actions: Immediate containment; no trust roles; report crimes (Rom. 13:1–4); remove.

3) Sexual Groomer/Predator

• Profile: Targets vulnerable; secrecy, testing boundaries, gifts/attention.

• Red Flags: Unapproved 1:1 time with minors, DMs at night, “special” mentoring; camoflougages their activity and rallies supporters to defend them; Refuses accountability/transparency; When someone demands it, they will be isolated and removed from the abusers orbit.

• Actions: Zero-tolerance boundaries; mandatory reporting where required; removal; victim care.

4) Financial Con Artist

• Profile: “God told me” money schemes; misuses benevolence; false credentials.

• Red Flags: Pressure to bypass safeguards; hates audits.

• Actions: Dual-controls, audits; deny access; expose fraud; civil reports when applicable.

5) Doctrinal Corrupter (False Teacher)

• Profile: Secretly introduces error for gain/power (2 Pet. 2; Jude).

• Red Flags: Denies core truths; slanders faithful shepherds; builds personality cults, Follows/references known false teachers.

• Actions: Refute publicly when necessary (Titus 1:9–11); remove from teaching; warn flock.

6) Coercive Controller / Spiritual Abuser

• Profile: Authoritarian “man of God” persona; isolates, demands absolute loyalty.

• Red Flags: “Touch not the Lord’s anointed” to dodge accountability; surveillance; humiliation as discipline.

• Actions: Board/elder intervention; outside review; remove; restorative care for harmed members.

7) Domestic Abuser Embedded in Church

• Profile: Publicly charming; privately controlling/violent.

• Red Flags: Fearful spouse, forced secrecy, financial control, tech stalking.

• Actions: Safety plan; obey protective orders; mandated reports as applicable; church discipline; care for victims.

Shared Wolf Markers

• Patterned deception,

• Weaponized Scripture,

• Allergic to accountability,

• Leaves a wake of harm.

Repentance Reality Check (Wolves)

• Words are cheap. Look for prolonged transparency,

• Subjection to outside authority,

• Costly restitution,

• Protection of those they harmed,

• No proximity to power.

G. Bully/Mob Boss

Core Problem: Power and control at all costs. "My way or else." Sometimes sees himself as the protector and defender of the flock.

1. The Enforcer

• Profile: Relies on intimidation, threats, and physical presence (or the threat of it).

• Behavior: Loud, forceful, quick to anger, and aims to dominate by fear.

• Biblical picture: Similar to Diotrephes (3 John 9–10), who “loveth to have the preeminence” and cast out those who opposed him.

• Pastoral Action:

  • Never meet alone—always have witnesses present (Matthew 18:16).

  • Refuse to be intimidated; remain calm and rooted in Scripture.

  • Confront directly and firmly when they cross a line.

  • If unrepentant, involve deacons/elders immediately and prepare for church discipline (Titus 3:10).

  
  

Goal: Remove fear from the congregation by demonstrating fearless shepherding.

2. The Political Boss

• Profile: Uses alliances, flattery, and backroom deals. Rarely confronts directly but exerts power through loyal followers.

• Behavior: Works behind the scenes, gathers “votes,” manipulates committees, and undermines leadership through numbers.

• Biblical picture: Like Absalom (2 Samuel 15), who “stole the hearts of the men of Israel.”

• Pastoral Action:

  • Expose divisive tactics openly but wisely (Ephesians 5:11).

  • Avoid endless debates; require transparency in meetings.

  • Strengthen unity through teaching on biblical authority and the nature of Christ’s church (Hebrews 13:17).

  • If they persist, mark and avoid (Romans 16:17).

  
  

Goal: Cut off secret power plays and re-center leadership in Christ, not factions.

3. The Covert Bully

• Profile: Plays the victim while quietly undermining authority.

• Behavior: Sarcasm, passive-aggression, feigned humility, and veiled threats. Never openly aggressive, but constantly erodes trust in leadership.

• Biblical picture: The murmurers in the wilderness (Numbers 16, Korah’s rebellion)—they questioned Moses’ motives while appearing “concerned for the people.”

• Pastoral Action:

  • Gently but firmly expose the pattern of manipulation (1 Thessalonians 5:14).

  • Refuse to get caught in endless emotional entanglements.

  • Use Scripture to contrast genuine humility with false humility.

  • If murmuring spreads, consider confronting publicly with clarity and support (like Moses with Korah, Numbers 16).

  
  

Goal: Stop corrosive whispers before they spread through the congregation (1 Corinthians 5:6).

4. The Patriarch/Matriarch Boss

• Profile: An older or long-tenured member who assumes ownership of the church because of time, money, or family legacy.

• Behavior: Uses phrases like “this is my church,” “we were here before you,” or “we pay the bills around here.” May exert control financially or relationally.

• Biblical picture: The Pharisees who claimed Abraham as their father (John 8:33), assuming authority by heritage.

• Pastoral Action:

  • Affirm respect for their years of service, but clearly teach Christ’s headship (Colossians 1:18).

  • Preach and disciple on stewardship vs. ownership of the church.

  • Confront private ultimatums (“if you don’t…” statements) with firmness.

  • If they leverage finances to control, release the church from financial dependency (trust God, Philippians 4:19).

  
  

Goal: Reassert that the church belongs to Christ alone, not any family line or donor.

5. The Cultivated Wolf

• Profile: A bully with charisma, charm, and spiritual vocabulary who cloaks control under “vision” or “zeal.”

• Behavior: Wins followers with boldness, seems spiritual, but ultimately divides the flock to form his own base of power.

• Biblical picture: False teachers in Galatia who compelled others to follow them “lest they should suffer persecution for the cross of Christ” (Galatians 6:12).

• Pastoral Actions

  • Test doctrine and character against Scripture (1 John 4:1).

  • Protect impressionable members from their influence (Galatians 1:8–9).

  • Publicly expose false teaching or manipulative practices if needed (Titus 1:9–11).

  • Remove from leadership platforms immediately.

  
  

Goal: Guard the flock from spiritual deception that looks appealing but is deadly.

Danger to the Church:

• Paralyzes leadership.

• Causes pastors to walk on eggshells.

• Derails spiritual mission into protecting turf or maintaining status quo.

Overarching Principles for All Bullies

• Early discernment is key: don’t mistake them for a strong leader with “just a rough edge.”

• Build alliances with spiritually mature members rather than capitulating to their power.

• Stand on Scripture, not personality. Do not fight flesh with flesh.

• Confront calmly and biblically, with clear support from Scripture and other leaders.

• Protect the flock first. Shepherds must risk conflict to defend sheep.

• Use Matthew 18 and Titus 3 processes faithfully. Warnings, witnesses, and discipline are biblical safeguards.

• Pray for repentance but prepare for removal. This requires both firmness and patience, since they thrive on loyalty networks. Some will soften; many will not.

Quick Triage: 5 -Axis Pastoral Risk Screen

Score each of the five screening elements 0–3 (0 = healthy; 3 = severe problem). High sums → higher caution.

1. Teachability (receives correction?)

2. Empathy (cares for others’ good?)

3. Ownership (admits sin without spin?)

4. Power-Seeking (needs platform/control?)

5. Truthfulness/Boundaries (honest; respects lines?)

0–5: Shepherd patiently (A–C)

6–9: Tighten boundaries & mentoring (C–D)

10–12: Correct/discipline; restrict platform (D/E/G)

13–15: Treat as Wolf until proven otherwise (F/G)

Use as guidance, not a gavel. Always factor harm, repentance, and witnesses (1 Tim. 5:19–21; Matt. 18:15–17).

Discipline & Safety Cadence (When needed)

1. Protect the flock immediately (remove access, stop harm).

2. Pursue Matthew 18 steps (private → witnesses → church), except where abuse/crime requires immediate civil reporting (Rom. 13).

3. Document dates, statements, and actions.

4. Public sin → public repair; private sin → private repair (as far as possible).

5. Restoration is fruit-tested, not timeline-tested (2 Cor. 7:10–11).

Leader Gatekeeping (Preventing Wolves)

• Slow ordinations/appointments (1 Tim. 5:22).

• Character over charisma (1 Tim. 3; Titus 1).

• Background checks; two-deep policies with minors; financial dual-controls.

• Elder plurality and outside counsel in crises.

• Culture of open reproof (Prov. 27:5) and truth in love (Eph. 4:15).

Pastoral Diagnostic Table: Personalities in the Flock

Category / Division	Traits & Risks	Pastoral Moves	Repentance / Health Markers
Babes in Christ	Immature, needy, prone to stumble. Can be zealous but shallow.	Patiently disciple; feed milk before meat (1 Pet. 2:2). Protect from overload and wolves.	Desire for the Word, growth in discernment, humility to learn.
Wounded Sheep	Hurt by past trauma, abuse, betrayal. Defensive, fearful, easily triggered. Risk: isolating or lashing out from pain.	Gentle restoration (Gal. 6:1). Build trust, listen, bind up wounds. Create safe discipleship environments.	Softening spirit, openness to community, trust in God’s care over past hurts.
Sandpaper Saints	Irritating, abrasive, often unaware of impact. Risk: draining the pastor or dividing saints with rough edges.	Shepherd patiently, correct gently, set loving boundaries. Encourage spiritual fruit development.	Growth in love, kindness, and self-awareness. Teachable when corrected.
Contentious (Goat-like)	Argumentative, proud, resistant to correction. Thrives on debate. Risk: sowing division or discouraging unity.	Correct firmly; avoid endless strife (2 Tim. 2:23–24). Limit platform/influence. Require accountability.	Willingness to submit, drop arguments, embrace peace and unity.
Chronic Complainer	Negative, fault-finding, often exaggerates problems. Risk: discourages the flock and undermines confidence in leadership.	Listen but redirect to gratitude. Address pattern publicly if spreading. Limit influence if persistent.	Demonstrates thanksgiving, reduced negativity, constructive speech.
Attention-Seeker	Needs to be noticed, validated, or center of spotlight. Risk: jealousy, resentment, distraction from Christ.	Affirm genuine service but resist feeding ego. Redirect focus to serving Christ, not self.	Joy in serving without recognition, contentment in Christ alone.
Manipulator	Uses guilt, fear, or emotional control to get their way. Risk: controlling relationships, exploiting leaders.	Confront manipulation patterns. Refuse to yield to emotional blackmail. Require transparency.	Repentant honesty, release of control tactics, growth in humility.
Goat (False Convert)	May look like sheep but resists truth, not regenerate. Risk: influences others carnally, rejects Spirit’s leading.	Preach gospel clearly, press them to examine themselves (2 Cor. 13:5). Do not promote to leadership.	Evidence of true repentance and faith; transformation of life and affections.
Wolf: Narcissist	Self-absorbed, lacks empathy, manipulates for admiration. Risk: destroys trust, devours energy, undermines unity.	Expose manipulation. Restrict platform. Apply Matt. 18/Titus 3 process if unrepentant. Protect flock.	Brokenness, genuine empathy, ability to rejoice/weep with others without self-focus.
Wolf: Sociopath	Deceitful, conscienceless, uses others as pawns. Risk: extreme harm, abuse, exploitation.	Treat as wolf immediately. Never alone. Involve multiple leaders. Discipline and remove swiftly if unrepentant.	Rare, but would show contrition, acknowledgement of harm, consistency in change.
Wolf: Bully / Mob Boss	Intimidates, retaliates, controls. “Good old boy” until crossed. Subtypes include: Enforcer – fear/anger. Political Boss – alliances/factions. Covert Bully – murmurs, passive-aggressive. Patriarch/Matriarch – claims ownership via money/legacy. Cultivated Wolf – charismatic, cloaks ambition as spirituality.	Stand firm; never alone. Expose tactics. Publicly protect flock. Restrict/remove influence. Apply church discipline if unrepentant.	Genuine repentance is rare. Signs: relinquishing control, humility under authority, willingness to lose power for Christ’s sake.

Pastoral Rubric for Congregational Personalities

(0–15 Scale of Response)

Score	Category	Subtype(s)	Description	Pastoral Action
0–5	Sheep (Healthy/Immature)	- New Believer- Childlike Disciple	Teachable, humble, but may stumble or lack maturity.	Shepherd patiently; nurture, disciple, correct gently (Gal. 6:1).
6–9	Difficult Sheep	- Irritating Personality- Spiritually Immature- Easily Offended	Not malicious, but draining; requires more energy and patience.	Tighten boundaries, mentor closely, provide accountability.
10–12	Toxic Influencer	- Chronic Complainer- Attention-Seeker- Manipulator	Harmful patterns that damage unity if unchecked.	Correct directly, discipline if necessary, restrict influence/platform.
13–15	Wolf (Predatory/Destructive)	A. Narcissist – Self-absorbed, manipulates others for admiration. B. Sociopath – Conscience-deficient, callous, deceitful. C. Bully/Mob Boss (with subtypes): • Enforcer – intimidates by fear/anger. • Political Boss – manipulates through alliances/power blocs. • Covert Bully – murmurs, passive-aggressive, plays victim. • Patriarch/Matriarch Boss – claims ownership by legacy/finances. • Cultivated Wolf – charismatic, cloaks ambition under spirituality.	Ravenous, destructive, divisive. Always places self before the flock.	Treat as wolf until proven otherwise: expose, confront with Scripture, restrict/remove platform, apply Matthew 18/Titus 3 discipline, protect flock above all.